Have you seen a gorilla make love, Bruno?
One day last week, as I was leaving work, Bruno Mars' song "Gorilla" came on the radio. This song is super popular and catchy. And super raunchy. Talking about legs in the sky and making love like gorillas and stuff. So inapprop.
Before last week, I just thought of it as such--a raunchy, albeit catchy, song. Since two Saturdays ago, however, I can only think of one thing: actual gorillas doing it.
Everyone has told me lately to enjoy sleeping in while I can. So, naturally, I wake up before 7:00 on Saturdays--my one day to sleep in--so that Lizzie can have breakfast and the pleasure of my company. She insists, and I cave. (Perhaps I'll be a bad parent. "You want Oreos and Kool-Aid for breakfast? Okay. If you insist.")
Anyway. I'm going to tell you something I'm positive you don't need to be told at all. There isn't much to watch on the major networks at 7am on a Saturday. After flipping through the channels repeatedly that morning, I finally landed on a very promising program on GPB. It was footage taken in a forest of gorillas making love like... uh, gorillas.
Side note: why do documentaries about animal mating habits always make me stop and watch, even if it's just for a minute? Surely I'm not the only one who does this. I hope. Please tell me this happens to you, too?
So, gorillas doing it. The lady-rilla backed up to the biggest silverback in the forest (because bagging the biggest male means you have his protection for your little baby gorillas) and they just kind of... did their thing. On. Off. Thanks much. Hmm, maybe once more for good measure, just to make sure she's nice and fertilized. Pleasure doing business. Have a nice afternoon.
It was not sexy.
The program was about Nature's fathers. The male gorilla plays with his offspring. Really cute. A male sea dragon fertilizes his lady friend's eggs, then she transfers all the eggs to him and he carries them around embedded in his tail until they hatch. A wolf father was very upset to catch his adolescent daughter all snuck away (sneaked away?) and in the middle of a tryst with a lone wolf who'd been following the pack. That little hussy!
OMG ALERT: Wolves actually "lock together" during mating for HALF AN HOUR to "ensure fertilization". I do not know if they come equipped with timers set to 30 minutes exactly, and I'm not sure I want to google "wolf sex+lock together+egg timer?" to find out. You're more than welcome to, though.
When that daddy wolf figured out his daughter was locked up to some no-good bum, he came chasing after them and they couldn't pull apart! It was like two gigantic, panicked, furry love bugs! The no-good bum wolf finally managed to, uh, extricate himself from the young lady and run away--abandoning her to raise his babies by herself, of course. The scallywag!
So, now that you're caught up on animal sex, back to my point.
When I left work last week, "Gorilla" came on the radio. Rather than just blankly listening to it, my mind immediately flashed to my education of our furry friends of the forest, feelin' frisky and fertile. (Yay, alliteration!) And I started thinking, who would want to make love like a gorilla? Did Bruno or his song writers watch this informative program before writing that song? I have to think not, because if you know how gorillas do it, it's
a) nothing you want to write a song about, and
b) nothing any human person should aspire to.
It looked rather boring, actually.
So, yeah, that's what I think of now when that song comes on. Boring gorilla sex.
Boring, Fun tidbit: On that same trip home from work, an old model Cavalier passed me going in the opposite direction. In the 2.5 seconds I had to glance at the car, I noticed: a pink fuzzy steering wheel, pink fuzzy seat covers, a pink fuzzy cover on the back of the rear view mirror, and pink fuzzy dice hanging from that mirror. It looked like a grandmother's bathroom with fuzzy toilet seat covers and 5 matching rugs on the floor mated with the Cavalier and, behold! Fuzzy car interior!
To each their own, of course. But it made me giggle anyway.
Before last week, I just thought of it as such--a raunchy, albeit catchy, song. Since two Saturdays ago, however, I can only think of one thing: actual gorillas doing it.
Everyone has told me lately to enjoy sleeping in while I can. So, naturally, I wake up before 7:00 on Saturdays--my one day to sleep in--so that Lizzie can have breakfast and the pleasure of my company. She insists, and I cave. (Perhaps I'll be a bad parent. "You want Oreos and Kool-Aid for breakfast? Okay. If you insist.")
Anyway. I'm going to tell you something I'm positive you don't need to be told at all. There isn't much to watch on the major networks at 7am on a Saturday. After flipping through the channels repeatedly that morning, I finally landed on a very promising program on GPB. It was footage taken in a forest of gorillas making love like... uh, gorillas.
Side note: why do documentaries about animal mating habits always make me stop and watch, even if it's just for a minute? Surely I'm not the only one who does this. I hope. Please tell me this happens to you, too?
So, gorillas doing it. The lady-rilla backed up to the biggest silverback in the forest (because bagging the biggest male means you have his protection for your little baby gorillas) and they just kind of... did their thing. On. Off. Thanks much. Hmm, maybe once more for good measure, just to make sure she's nice and fertilized. Pleasure doing business. Have a nice afternoon.
It was not sexy.
 |
| This image is sexier than actual gorilla sex. |
The program was about Nature's fathers. The male gorilla plays with his offspring. Really cute. A male sea dragon fertilizes his lady friend's eggs, then she transfers all the eggs to him and he carries them around embedded in his tail until they hatch. A wolf father was very upset to catch his adolescent daughter all snuck away (sneaked away?) and in the middle of a tryst with a lone wolf who'd been following the pack. That little hussy!
OMG ALERT: Wolves actually "lock together" during mating for HALF AN HOUR to "ensure fertilization". I do not know if they come equipped with timers set to 30 minutes exactly, and I'm not sure I want to google "wolf sex+lock together+egg timer?" to find out. You're more than welcome to, though.
When that daddy wolf figured out his daughter was locked up to some no-good bum, he came chasing after them and they couldn't pull apart! It was like two gigantic, panicked, furry love bugs! The no-good bum wolf finally managed to, uh, extricate himself from the young lady and run away--abandoning her to raise his babies by herself, of course. The scallywag!
So, now that you're caught up on animal sex, back to my point.
When I left work last week, "Gorilla" came on the radio. Rather than just blankly listening to it, my mind immediately flashed to my education of our furry friends of the forest, feelin' frisky and fertile. (Yay, alliteration!) And I started thinking, who would want to make love like a gorilla? Did Bruno or his song writers watch this informative program before writing that song? I have to think not, because if you know how gorillas do it, it's
a) nothing you want to write a song about, and
b) nothing any human person should aspire to.
It looked rather boring, actually.
So, yeah, that's what I think of now when that song comes on. Boring gorilla sex.
Boring, Fun tidbit: On that same trip home from work, an old model Cavalier passed me going in the opposite direction. In the 2.5 seconds I had to glance at the car, I noticed: a pink fuzzy steering wheel, pink fuzzy seat covers, a pink fuzzy cover on the back of the rear view mirror, and pink fuzzy dice hanging from that mirror. It looked like a grandmother's bathroom with fuzzy toilet seat covers and 5 matching rugs on the floor mated with the Cavalier and, behold! Fuzzy car interior!
 |
| Yeah, I drew that myself. |
To each their own, of course. But it made me giggle anyway.
Now you are just pandering for comments. :) This post is hysterical - and quite the education on Bruno Mars AND gorillas.
ReplyDeleteObviously. Everything I do is pandering. However, I'm not accomplished enough in my writing to do justice to what I witnessed with the wolves. It was alarming. God knows what he's doing, but I sho don't get it.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteHaving not seen that kind of "dances with wolves" I can't relate. But I'll jump on the things-I'm-thankful-for bandwagon to say I'm thankful not to be a lady wolf. I will tell you that I have seen cows getting it on. And it was fascinating to the point of me pulling my car over on the side of the field to watch.
DeleteFunny. Written by someone who is with child. I'll leave the rest of my comments for offline for fear of David and Patrick's rolling of the eyes...... ;)
ReplyDeleteLove you!
Probably the right move!
Delete