Showing posts from January, 2014

Mommy Test #4: Underfunctioning brain.

At about 8.5 months pregnant, I think I can finally say that the legendary "mommy brain" has set in.

"Mommy brain" is what they call it when you lose your ever-living mind and cannot function as a normal, intelligent adult anymore. They blame it on hormones, or on having a mind that races all the time thinking about all the crap you still have to do before you're responsible for keeping a human alive and safe, or something.

I've created a diagram for you to highlight the differences between a normal, everyday brain and a brain wracked with baby hormones/racing mind/"or something".

Whatever the cause, I've gotten word from good authorities (moms with young kids) that "mom brain" doesn't go away at birth. Because then there's exhaustion and a seismic shift in your life and stuff like that taking away your brain power.

And based on my most recent feats of intellectual inferiority, and the rumor that this condition is here to stay f…

Love and marriage.

Today is the 2nd anniversary of the biggest party Patrick and I have ever thrown.

Also, the day we got married.

Also, the day I ugly-cried in front of roughly 180 people.

For some of you seasoned vets, the idea of just two years of marriage makes you say, "Aww, how sweet, still newly weds. They have no idea..."

I'd like to respectfully pooh-pooh the idea that we're naive just because we're still so newly wed. Because how could we be but otherwise? Until the future arrives, knocks on our door, and politely introduces itself, we're all naive as to what's in store for us. I'm sure bad times will come for us, as they inevitably do, but I count myself blessed that we'll have several solid years of happiness under our belts to help buoy us through whatever storms come our way.

So, no, we don't have any idea what we're in for. But one idea I'm very, very clear about?
My old (young) man is my number 1 favorite thing on this planet.

--More favorite t…

Massive untold side effects.

As you are undoubtedly aware (because you voraciously read this blog and diligently memorize every word I type), I recently performed a major clothing purge. I had bags of stuff to take to Goodwill and I lost some old friends (my old, danky tees) to the garbage can. I gained the ability to not jam my clothes together in my closet.

I started that project in the name of simplifying and ultimately improving my wardrobe. As a result, I'm now very fabulous and stuff.

But you knew that, didn't you? You're so kind.

In return for your kindness in thinking what I want you to think about me, I want to issue a warning. It's something I didn't mention when talking about the initial purge of clothes. When you start to clean out your closet, there will be a massive, untold (until now) side effect:

The desire to purge will overflow into EVERY AREA OF YOUR LIFE!!!!
...Or, at least, into other closets and storage spaces. Whatevs.

You know that I went through my closet and dressers, sorte…

Wardrobe reduction begins.

Hey peeps. I got exactly 2 responses when I asked if you cared about my possible quest to narrow down my wardrobe and be a fabulous minimalist. But they were both fairly enthusiastic responses.

Obviously this is a hot topic and you are all dying to know about it.

Lucky you, I'm here to oblige.

I have a very small closet. My apartment was built in the late '60s when "storage space" wasn't quite the hot commodity it is now. Compared to some people I know, I really didn't have that many clothes. But still, I began to be more and more frustrated that I was looking at a closet full of clothes while saying "I have nothing to wear!"

Clearly, there were clothes there. Lots of them. So why did I act like they were nothing I could use? Why did it take me so stinkin' long to figure out what to wear in the morning?

Have you heard of the 80/20 rule? It says that we wear only 20% of our clothes about 80% of the time. So what about that other 80% of our clothes? …

Mom was right. I have an attitude problem.

As I mentioned the other week, I don't make resolutions. That doesn't mean that I don't think about things I'd like to improve.

It's just that January 1 is such an arbitrary start date to do that. You could just as easily pick July 1. Or next Monday. Or tomorrow. Or today. But we all hang our hats on a "new start in the new year." Then, when we screw up, we just say, "Oh well. No one ever sticks to their resolutions anyway," and you tell yourself that you're in good company, that really it's okay that you didn't stick to your resolve, because everyone else probably failed, too.

"What an amazingly positive way to think," this Boring blogger says with a massive eye roll.

I hear the echoes of centuries of moms (or maybe just mine?) saying, "Oh, it's okay that your failed your test because the other kids did, too? I DON'T THINK SO."

All of that is to pointlessly reinforce why I don't like making New Year'…

Brag time.

Friends and family, I have a few things that I'm really pleased with myself about, and I'm gonna brag. Why? Because. I. Can.
We successfully completed our grocery shopping despite the stupid rain. WIN.Later that afternoon, I made Banana Coffee Cake and did NOT eat obscene quantities of it. WIN.We (and by "we" I mean "Patrick") made a really delicious dinner for 4. It was filling and super tasty. And the whole thing probably cost us $15 in ingredients. Saved money by not eating out. WIN.
I actually cooked and ate the kale I bought the day before. For breakfast. That's an obvious WIN.I didn't want to work out, but I did anyway. For a full hour. That's the first time that's happened since probably January 2013. WIN.Our friends invited us over for Shepherd's Pie. I did NOT greedily and gluttonously inhale seconds, even though I badly wanted to. Why? Because I wasn't hungry any more and potatoes are carb-laden bombs of sugar …

Day care > krokodil.

This parenthood thing is rocking my world in a very weird way.

I remember back when I used to get excited about scoring some cute CK shoes at Marshall's or volunteeringmaking my own clothesresearching stock investments drinking wine alone while watching Gilmore Girls. It's said that when you become a parent, your priorities shift. They just do. As I'm learning, you don't need to actually have the kid on the outside of your body for this to begin.

Because right now? I'm still roughly 8-9 weeks away from producing a child and I'm getting excited about stuff that I honestly feel should not be exciting to anyone.

A week or two ago, I got the news that we got a spot for Prune Candy at our preferred day care. That news gave me a rush that rivals that fancy new drug, krokodil (but it comes with a lot less of the flesh-deterioration).

"Mrs. Sheffield? Hi, this is the nice director from the day care you toured. We're happy to let you know that there is a spot avai…


Major, major, MAJOR NEWS: I've created a Facebook fan page for my blog. So far, it has zero likes. You can be the difference between abject failure and abject mediocrity. Help me achieve abject mediocrity.

Go here:

Like it.

Love it.

Want some more of it by Following it.

Yes, it's super boring (more boring than my usual Boring) right now because I don't know how to do logos and stuff. Maybe one of you fine peoples will be able to help me with that.

Also, I'm aware that this isn't actually major news.

Capsule wardrobe-leaning wanna-be minimalist.

I've long been a bit of a nerd when it comes to money. I really like saving it. I mean, really.

Making each month's budget is actually something I enjoy. I do it in a very cool, high-tech way: I keep a notebook and write each month's budget in it with pencil.

My mother bought me The Complete Tightwad Gazette by Amy Dacyszyn when I was maybe 19 or 20. I was genuinely happy to receive it. Even then, many of the tips were dated, and a lot of it was taking frugality to an extreme I wouldn't bother with, but I was totally down with cutting cable, washing out my baggies, and using an empty toilet paper tube to keep my flat iron cord neat and tidy under the sink.

Don't get me wrong. I like to spend money, too. The girl who cuts my hair is totally worth the cost because she never disappoints me. Spending a little more on certain brands because they're more eco-friendly or buying organic when we can--not cheap, but worth it to us. But when I realize that I've been sp…

Resolutions? Maybe next year.

'Tis the new year and 'tis the time for making resolutions.

'Tis also about 1 month from now when most resolutions will be broken, so I advise setting the bar low.

(That's the kind of go-get-'em attitude that has made me a success.)

Back when I was in my early or mid twenties, I ohsocleverly made the resolution not to make any more resolutions. I haven't broken it yet. The trick is to know yourself. Me? I'm lazy and don't like sticking to stuff, so it's been an amazingly easy resolution for me to keep.

And yet, due to massive peer pressure and media influence, I feel myself pulled at this time of year to think about things I'd like to do better in the next year. Often, some of those things are fitness related. I'm pretty sure a lot of you can relate to that, since Special K and all the gyms start really ramping up their ads, and about a hundred million articles for a "New Year, New You!" start appearing.

For me, there are usually a fe…