Well, that was a nice 20 minute interlude.

That's what I said as we laid back down to go to sleep at 1:20 in the morning.

Sounds super sexy, right?

Wrong. Lemme tell ya a story.

Tuesday evening I was super tired. I hadn't slept well the previous few nights and, since dinner was done and Patrick said he'd handle the clean up, I went to bed at 8:30. It was glorious. I don't remember Patrick coming to bed. I don't remember anything until suddenly at 1 a.m. a loud banging, scratching noise woke me. Patrick woke up only moments after me.

"What is that?!"

"I have no idea."

We both quickly jumped up and made our way down the hall. Perhaps it was a branch swinging into a window, we both thought. (I guess we had some idea, then.) Approaching the entrance to our daughter's room, the noise got louder. We stopped outside of the hall bathroom next to her room, listening intently.

"It's coming from the vents. It's under the house!"

The air vents in our new place are in the floor, which means, of course, that the AC's duct work all runs under the house. We very quickly realized that some animal was clawing and scratching at the ducts!

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!

While Patrick peered into the bathroom vent with a flashlight, I tiptoed into Sutton's room. She, like the angel she is, was still sleeping soundly, which was great because the noise seemed even louder in her room.

Um, WHAT THE FRANK?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A vile creature is trying to claw into the AC duct under my INFANT DAUGHTER'S ROOM?!?!?!

NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! So creepy so creepy so creepy!

I cannot emphasize enough how creepy. So creepy I need to use bold, italics, and underlining to try to convey HOW CREEPY.

My brave, sleepy husband snuck outside and did his best to see if he could spy anything. Of course at 1 in the morning it was a bit dark out and our flashlight isn't great, but nevertheless, he couldn't spot anything.

Our best guess was that it was a raccoon, and those are some devilishly clever varmints, so we didn't want to make it easy for them to sneak into our house through the floor. Patrick sat a heavy dumbbell on her air vent, and on the one in the hall bathroom. Just in case, you know?

After 20 minutes of this, the noise quieted down (oh my gosh, is it done destroying our AC and trying to kill us in our home?!) and, being as there isn't much you can do in the wee hours of the morning, we laid back down.

"Well, that was a nice 20 minute interlude."

See? Not sexy.

That 20 minutes turned into about 60 minutes for me since I had a rather difficult time falling back to sleep. Images of rabid raccoons coming through the vent in my sweet, sweet, sleeping angel's room just wouldn't get out of my head. (Get behind me Satan! Lord, please don't let that creature come in the house. Lord, please don't let that creature come in the house. Lord, please don't...)

The next morning--rather, later that morning, we got up to get the day started and Patrick did some more stalking around outside (hmm, the crawlspace is still closed up, but clearly it got in somehow!) and inside and--hey, wait a second, what's that noise?

While I was in the back getting ready, he heard some more noise coming from the vents, but this time from a vent by the front door. Patrick began recording it on his phone so that when he spoke with a pest removal service he could let them know what we were hearing. While recording, that horrible animal ripped the vent completely loose from the floor! What manner of animal is this who is so intent on destroying our AC vents and gaining access to our house?! Once this happened, there nothing between us the the killer raccoon but a piece of slatted metal. 

Images of the crazed animal bursting through our floor a la The Shining floated through my mind. I placed a piece of cardboard and two dumbbells on that vent and told Lizzie that I was very sorry that I had to leave her home to warily stalk our floor vents all day. Patrick called a pest removal company at, oh, 6:30 a.m. to leave a voicemail with plans to call again as soon as the business day started.

Four o' clock that afternoon, Patrick met two technicians from the pest removal company at the house. They noted that there was an old armadillo hole at the base of our house and indicated that the horrible creature had likely gotten in that way. They set a trap at that hole and planned to come back in a day or two.

Funny thing about armadillo holes is that they might be used by armadillos. The following morning, I woke up thankful that there had not been another middle of the night home invasion attempt, though I could hear something banging around. When Patrick got up I told him I thought we'd caught something in the trap. He checked it out (I had no intention of doing so) and what do you know? Hello, Mr. Vile Killer Raccoon Armadillo!

Did you know armadillos can carry leprosy? LEPROSY.

We're very hopeful that this indeed is the AC-duct-and-late-night-sleep destroyer. If so, we can get that AC vent reattached and stop dumping air underneath the house. And I can stop being creeped out at the thought of wildlife running riot through our house.

Keep your fingers crossed for us.

Midnight panics and disturbing animals to you and yours,
xo

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