Okay, maybe I don't want the bump.
Happy Monday Tuesday, World. I've had quite a weekend. I saw all kinds of little munchkins. No, not Wizard of Oz munchkins. Children. Patrick and I got to spend time with five kids under the age of five this week. And how appropriate it is that we are surrounded by all these adorable little germ factories (no, really, we love these kids) when I've been recently ruminating on so many wonderful reasons I should really have a baby bump.
But, as I mentioned, I've also gotten the impression that pregnancy may not be quite as magical as I have imagined? Why? Let's dive in.
The number one reason I can think of for not wanting a baby bump is the floating sign that I'm told appears over your head that says, "It's okay to touch me. No, you don't have to ask." I can't imagine what to say to people who assume that, simply because you appear to have a basketball shoved underneath your shirt, it's perfectly fine to manhandle you.
What must be be harder is when people you do know, casually or otherwise, assume that your acquaintance is intimate enough to allow them to put their hands on you without asking first. Do you just grin and bear it? Perhaps you must try to come up with some polite way of saying, "It would be unbelievably swell if you would remove your hands from my person, and next time, ask if it's okay to touch me. And no, it won't be."
But I have no bump, so I do not have this problem. Praise be.
Another good reason that a baby bump may not be all I've cracked it up to be is all the stuff I'd have to give up. No more wine. No more blue cheese. No more soft cheeses, period, unless you can prove they're pasteurized. Rare steak? Not allowed. Avoid sushi. No more runny egg yolks. Little to no coffee. In short, you can't have the good stuff. Oh, and let's add some possible serious nausea and vomiting on top of this, so you're stuck eating Saltines and Ginger Ale when you're not hung over and don't have the flu.
When did unborn babies turn into food dictators? I imagine them there, sitting in your belly, drumming their fingertips together, laughing evil, little laughs, and saying, "Yes... yes... It's all going according to my plan."
But I have no bump, so I do not have this problem. Praise be.
I declared that wearing elastic waist pants all the time would be amazing! Awesome! So totally rad! The flip side of that coin is this: you can ONLY wear elastic waist bottoms. My favorite jeans? Forget 'em. That black pencil skirt? Ha. My favorite shorts? My cutest dresses? Not a chance. Oh, and most of the stuff you own won't fit, so you have to blow good money on an extremely temporary wardrobe. Money that could have been spent on blue cheese and rare steaks.
But I have no bump, so I do not have this problem. Praise be.
Another issue I've I've heard tale of is unhelpful advice being thrown willy nilly at those who are getting ready to pop out a miniature person.
"If you drink a sip of coffee once a month, your child will have a low birth weight and probably ADHD. Just so you know."
"Did you know that you might poop when you push?"
"My sister was in labor for 50 hours and ended up having to get a C-section. She was in pain for ages."
"When your child is born, don't use diapers. That just teaches them to go in their pants. And then you have to train them NOT to go in their pants."
"Only use cloth diapers."
"Cloth diapers are for hippies."
"I hope you and your husband have discussed what parenting philosophy you'll use. You need to read up on attachment theory. Anything else amounts to child neglect."
"I hope you and your husband aren't considering the attachment style of parenting. Kids need to be left alone. Smothering them is practically child abuse."
"NEVER buy baby food. You need to start an organic garden, learn to harvest, can, and process food, and feed only that to your baby. Anything else amounts to child abuse."
"Congrats on having a baby! When are you moving out of your apartment? You can't have a baby in an apartment. They need a yard to run in!"
"Never let your baby outside. The allergens will give them asthma."
Oh, what gratitude parents-to-be must feel for such unwanted tidbits of knowledge!
But I have no bump, so I do not have this problem. Praise be.
The day may come where I have the opportunity to experience all the joys and annoyances of having my own (adorable, of course) baby bump. It may not. (Who knows?) But until that day may come, I'm going to enjoy not having my stomach touched, have a glass of wine with my sushi, and dish out some seriously bad parenting advice to my own pregnant friends.
But, as I mentioned, I've also gotten the impression that pregnancy may not be quite as magical as I have imagined? Why? Let's dive in.
The number one reason I can think of for not wanting a baby bump is the floating sign that I'm told appears over your head that says, "It's okay to touch me. No, you don't have to ask." I can't imagine what to say to people who assume that, simply because you appear to have a basketball shoved underneath your shirt, it's perfectly fine to manhandle you.
What must be be harder is when people you do know, casually or otherwise, assume that your acquaintance is intimate enough to allow them to put their hands on you without asking first. Do you just grin and bear it? Perhaps you must try to come up with some polite way of saying, "It would be unbelievably swell if you would remove your hands from my person, and next time, ask if it's okay to touch me. And no, it won't be."
But I have no bump, so I do not have this problem. Praise be.
Another good reason that a baby bump may not be all I've cracked it up to be is all the stuff I'd have to give up. No more wine. No more blue cheese. No more soft cheeses, period, unless you can prove they're pasteurized. Rare steak? Not allowed. Avoid sushi. No more runny egg yolks. Little to no coffee. In short, you can't have the good stuff. Oh, and let's add some possible serious nausea and vomiting on top of this, so you're stuck eating Saltines and Ginger Ale when you're not hung over and don't have the flu.
When did unborn babies turn into food dictators? I imagine them there, sitting in your belly, drumming their fingertips together, laughing evil, little laughs, and saying, "Yes... yes... It's all going according to my plan."
But I have no bump, so I do not have this problem. Praise be.
I declared that wearing elastic waist pants all the time would be amazing! Awesome! So totally rad! The flip side of that coin is this: you can ONLY wear elastic waist bottoms. My favorite jeans? Forget 'em. That black pencil skirt? Ha. My favorite shorts? My cutest dresses? Not a chance. Oh, and most of the stuff you own won't fit, so you have to blow good money on an extremely temporary wardrobe. Money that could have been spent on blue cheese and rare steaks.
But I have no bump, so I do not have this problem. Praise be.
Another issue I've I've heard tale of is unhelpful advice being thrown willy nilly at those who are getting ready to pop out a miniature person.
"If you drink a sip of coffee once a month, your child will have a low birth weight and probably ADHD. Just so you know."
"Did you know that you might poop when you push?"
"My sister was in labor for 50 hours and ended up having to get a C-section. She was in pain for ages."
"When your child is born, don't use diapers. That just teaches them to go in their pants. And then you have to train them NOT to go in their pants."
"Only use cloth diapers."
"Cloth diapers are for hippies."
"I hope you and your husband have discussed what parenting philosophy you'll use. You need to read up on attachment theory. Anything else amounts to child neglect."
"I hope you and your husband aren't considering the attachment style of parenting. Kids need to be left alone. Smothering them is practically child abuse."
"NEVER buy baby food. You need to start an organic garden, learn to harvest, can, and process food, and feed only that to your baby. Anything else amounts to child abuse."
"Congrats on having a baby! When are you moving out of your apartment? You can't have a baby in an apartment. They need a yard to run in!"
"Never let your baby outside. The allergens will give them asthma."
Oh, what gratitude parents-to-be must feel for such unwanted tidbits of knowledge!
But I have no bump, so I do not have this problem. Praise be.
The day may come where I have the opportunity to experience all the joys and annoyances of having my own (adorable, of course) baby bump. It may not. (Who knows?) But until that day may come, I'm going to enjoy not having my stomach touched, have a glass of wine with my sushi, and dish out some seriously bad parenting advice to my own pregnant friends.
Thankfully I didn't experience random people touching my bump, only those I knew well. I love baby food, as does Nathaniel, but I've never used the Magic Baby Bullet. They don't start running for awhile, so an apartment is fine. I was in labor for 12 hours, pushed for 17 minutes and when it was over threw my arms up in the air and exclaimed, "that was awesome!". Parenting is very personal - you and Patrick will figure out when it's time and what approach you want to take. Much love to you!
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