Dear media: What do you want from me?

Dear media,

I appreciate all you do. Really. I never want to seem ungrateful to you. Did I not recently mention in another post that it was you, and you alone, who assured me that pork really is the other white meat? But I have some problems with you. Allow me to explain.

First, you show us the commercials for pizza with cheese in the crust; shiny, freshly glazed doughnuts; seemingly mouth-watering meals at overrated chain restaurants; and all manner of chips and snacks and other horrible, delicious things we love to eat. Then we have recipes in magazines and online for butter-soaked sugar bombs (for a delicious post-dinner or after-school treat!). And Food Network and Pintrest recipes that are really easy--only need 3 blocks of cream cheese and two pints of heavy cream. (Serves 2.)

Then, media, you become contrary. You give us the ads for health clubs. The terribly annoying commercials from our local vitamin and nutrition store (with the yelling, ragged-out voice of a wannabe scream rocker as pitch man) for their "healthy" energy drinks and shakes that are probably made up of about 956 man-made chemicals. Articles are starting to appear warning that the holiday party season is nigh and we need to shape up for that little black dress. Special K commercials that say if we eat 1/8 of a cup of their delicious weightless flakes with a teaspoon of milk for breakfast each day, we'll lose weight! (It's really just that easy!) And I don't even need to mention how bad I feel about myself after watching a P90X infomercial for 15 minutes. (And WHY did I watch for 15 minutes?)

What am I supposed to do here?

 Grab a Krispy Kreme and nosh on it while running intervals on the treadmill, I guess. 

 Chug a Gatorade because I took a 10 minute walk--and it was warmish, so I almost sweat when I was out there. 

 I ate a salad for lunch, so I'll celebrate my pious dietary lifestyle (it's a lifestyle if it lasts for at least 2 hours, right?) with a SuperSlushyGulpBoxofSugarandDye. Blue flavor!

I just read an article that Monster Energy drinks may be related to five deaths in recent years. (The company's reps deny this, of course. Time will tell.) But they're soooo tasty and make me feel all jittery like I like, so maybe just 2 instead of 3.

I'm really torn. This just isn't working for me. I don't know what to do. Maybe you can sort this out for me while I have my post-extreme-cardio-explosion workout beer. Beers. Multiple beers.

Thanks a mil,
A fan of your work

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