Mommy Test #1: Fail

Before reading this post, here's a little hint as to what it's about:



Several weeks ago at my ol' lady doctor office, I had the following conversation. This is exactly how it went.*

Them: When you hit 26 weeks, you need to go take a glucose tolerance test to test for gestational diabetes.
Me: Fun! Can I do it right now?!!
Them: No, Rebecca, you have to wait until 26 weeks. It's very important for some reason. Also, you can't eat anything at all or drink anything but water after midnight before your test.
Me: I LOVE fasting! I guess I should wait until 26 weeks, but it sounds so fun and amazing!
Them: It really is. You'll love it. But you have to wait. We don't know why. Just trust us.
 
So I waited and on Monday I drove my happy, hungry little self down to the diagnostics lab to drink some stuff, wait an hour, and have some blood sucked out of me. It was pretty much as much fun as I'd hoped. They even played classic rock in the waiting room. Who doesn't love classic rock at 9:00 in the morning?
 
Yesterday, my doctor's office called me and the following conversation took place, word-for-word.*

Them: Hey Rebecca! So, did you love it?
Me: Oh. Em. Gee. Yes! It was amazing. The waiting room was so cold and full of so many people. One lady had a cold and kept going into the one restroom for 5 seconds each time, which meant I was afraid to touch the handle and get a cold, so I held my pee for the whole hour! Plus, the classic rock music? It was poppin' like my lip gloss. And I was so hungry when I left. I love that feeling.
Them: Yeah, we love that music. So, we have some really, really great and excellent news.
Me: Oh boy! What is it?
Them: You failed the test. By only 2 points, but you still managed to fail. It was probably something you ate recently, and probably because you were SO SMART to schedule a glucose tolerance test the Monday after Thanksgiving when you ate all the cakes and treats. You know, 'cause you're pregnant, you metabolize sugar slower than usual. That was a really good move on your part.
Me: Yeah, I'm basically a genius.
Them: You totally are! That's why you are our most favorite patient ever! So the really great and excellent news isn't over. You get to go back and have another glucose tolerance test!
Me: FORREALZ?!
Them: Yeah!! And this one lasts for THREE HOURS. Think of the fun!
Me: Oh, I hope, I hope, I HOPE they'll be playing the classic rock music again and that it'll be really cold, too!
Them: We'll put in a call and make sure that all happens for you. Congrats!

So, I get to take my next test on Tuesday of next week. Here are the things that are happening between now and then when all the treats and cakes will be served and I will have the distinct pleasure* of doing my best to avoid them:
  1. Patrick's office Christmas party. Always fun and tasty and food and drinks.
  2. Don't ask. It's secret tradition of ours. But it involves treats and decorating and you can't come over and play during our secret day.
  3. My office holiday party, at which lots of delicious breads and treats and things will be available and people will be like, "Oh, but you're pregnant! Have a whole pie! It's healthy!"
So, the recap is: I love glucose tolerance tests.* I am so smart* that I failed the very first test that I've officially been given as a mom so that I can do it again--for THREE HOURS. Lots of parties this month. Lots of veggies and protein and sad faces for me.

In other news, I've discovered that most of my blog hits are from "spam" websites that artificially drive up the views. So I also failed as a Fun blog writer. I HAVE succeded as a Boring blog writer. So, I have that going for me.

Gestational diabetes dreams and Wilford Brimley wishes,
Rebecca

*I'm lying.

Comments

  1. F. SenraDecember 5, 2013 at 3:25 PM

    Failing a glucose test doesn't mean you've got what Paula's momma calls the sugars...it just means you're too sweet, right? Just stay away from the buhtter n 'awwl. Hoping the second round goes better!

    And you are NOT a blogger failure. Yours is the ONLY blog I read on a regular basis.
    :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. UnknownDecember 5, 2013 at 3:48 PM

      If a funny guy like you reads regularly, then I'm doing something right (while I eat all my candy and get diubetus). ;-)

      Delete
  2. JamieDecember 5, 2013 at 5:09 PM

    Although I am not concerned about the outcome of test #2 (I'm sure you will pass with flying colors) I can't help but feel a tiny bit responsible. This might be some kind of misdirected karmic retribution for all the times your husband and I poked fun at Mr. Wilford and his diabeetus. My bad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. UnknownDecember 6, 2013 at 8:57 AM

      I'm pretty sure my failure to pass was anyone's fault but mine, so you may just be right, Ms. F. You and Patrick gave me the beetus.

      Delete
  3. UnknownDecember 6, 2013 at 8:56 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete

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