Stop with the backhanded compliments.

On Monday, I said I wanted folks to stop complimenting each other so much. Now, I address a seemingly similar but much more insidious issue, the backhanded compliment. These are generally issued by, as the laypeople say, "frenemies" as well as some well-meaning but completely misguided friends and acquaintances. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. But as is my custom, I'll give you some examples.


 "Wow, I really love what you've done with your makeup. You look so awake!"
Oh dear, I must have looked dreadful before, even though I felt perfectly rested. Wow. Now I feel bad about how I must have looked all this time.

"You've decided to keep the baby? How brave!"
I was expecting congratulations, but an incredulous reaction followed by a comment that lets me know you think I'm in for a huge uphill battle works, too. Thanks.

"Your new shirt looks really expensive. Was it a gift?"
Um, uh... no, I bought it myself, but uh, it wasn't that expensive! I mean... wait, you think I don't buy myself nice-looking things? Or that I can't afford them?

 "I love what you've done with your apartment! Who helped you decorate?"
I did it myself. Yep, I really do have good taste all on my own.

"I heard about your divorce. You're better off, you know. We never understood why you married him in the first place."
Well, I'm devastated, but hearing that everyone questioned my choice all along makes me feel loads better. Did I say better? I meant worse.

"I heard about your new promotion! How'd you get it?"
What do you mean, how? I worked for it. What do you think? What are you implying?!

"Oh, you've decided not to put little Jimmy in the PreK that funnels him directly into the top primary school? What a bold choice."
I've decided not to fast-track my kid to his MBA starting when he's 2. I see that you think I'm making a terrible parenting choice, and appreciate the input.

"I bet winning that gift basket of assorted cured meats and hard cheeses was very... exciting for you."
Yes! Yes it was!

 Well, I mean, come on! I love those things. But as for the rest, as my 4-year-old cousin Stella once said, "No ma'am. Not cool." Ladies and gents, Miss Manners has taught me, and I'm sharing with you, that if you can't find a way to simply tell someone, "Congratulations," for good news; "I'm so sorry," for bad news; "You look so nice," for a new hair style or outfit; or "How wonderful," for any other good news, clamp it. 

 And, um, that's really it. Enjoy the rest of your day.

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