To People Without Kids: a half-hearted apology.

Dear People Without Kids:

Once upon a time--or 2 years, 2 months, and 29 days ago if you're into specifics--I was one of you. Well-rested and just sitting around, casually scrolling through my facebook feed, being constantly assaulted by posts about my friends' kids.

Okay, maybe not "assaulted," but there are a lot of pictures of kids. And comments about kids. And questions for "mommy friends" about "how do I know what color snot indicates I need to have an anxiety attack and immediately administer the essential oils and then race to the urgent care for BIG PHARMA meds just to be safe? Or maybe it's just seasonal allergies? idk."

I wasn't too bothered by it all. I mean, some of it makes you roll your eyes. Like, okay. I never wanted to know if your kid pooped on the potty. As a matter of fact, we're all supposed to not poop in our pants. So kudos to you on teaching your kid to do what WE ALL MUST DO. 

Mainly I just wondered, why can't these people post about something, anything else besides their kids? They used to be adults who liked things, did things, had friends. That can't have changed just because they had a kid, right? I get it, a kid is a big deal. But what about the other parts of your life?

Turns out, I did not get it.

Dear non-parents, I'm here today to shed a little light on this issue now that I'm on the other side.


That's why we don't post about anything else anymore. Because there is no Dana, only Zuul nothing else.

As soon as you become a parent you have a new obsession, and it is your child. I had no idea how funny kids were until I had one. SHE'S HILARIOUS. I mean, before I had kids, sure, kids would be amusing and say funny things. But your kid is the funniest person you've ever met. And the most beautiful, adorable, and kissable. No child has eyes as beautiful as your child. Except your other children. Because they are also perfect in ways that don't actually make sense. 

"Aww, look at Sutton's itty bitty fat feet. I love them, they're perfect!"
"Aww, look at Zoe's big, skinny feet. I love them, they're perfect!"

I don't understand it. I just accept it. My children are perfect and I am obsessed with them and all their perfections.

And that's why my pictures on social media are primarily comprised of slightly anonymous pictures of my kids like...
"My precious pookie playing outside in the rain!"

"Look at those hands! They must be yummy!"

"Awwwww, my girls love each other! Kisses from sister!"

You know, annoying stuff like that.

I can sense you, my Dearest Non-Parent friends, thinking it: "But there's still time for you to be a non-parent, even when you have kids. It's when the kids are in bed, right? That's when you get to be husband and wife, just two adults." And you're right! That is when you have time to do adult things. Like washing dishes. Picking up the staggering amount of toys that your toddler dragged out. Maybe actually getting a shower. And watching just one TV show, it's all I'm asking for! Just one!

And while you're doing all these very adulty things, you talk to you spouse about, wait for it... your children! 

"Oh, I meant to tell you the funny thing she said today..."
"Look at this picture I got of the baby! Look at that smile!"
"I love our kids. Don't you love our kids? They're so great."

You may also discuss inconsequential things, like, "Did we pay that credit card bill?" or "These presidential candidates, amiright?" But then you once again remember you have kids and start talking about them.

And then you realize you're completely exhausted and you go to bed. And from start to finish, your day revolved around your kids. It leaves little to no time for anything else. That's why parents basically always talk about our kids on social media (and possibly in real life, too). BECAUSE THAT'S IT. That's the #1 thing going on with us at all times.

"Hey, what's new with you?"
"I had a kid 2 years ago, sooo... nothing in the last 2 years except the kid. Did I tell you about her?"
"Oh. Wait, I had another kid! Did I tell you about the second one?"
"Well... I can't really think of anything else. Just, ya know... the kids. I guess you're all caught up on things with me. Check back in a few more years."
"...kay. Bye."

And then five minute later you remember you forgot to ask what's new with them. Because you forget people may actually have new things when you just have your obsession with your kids.

Okay, perhaps I exaggerate. There is actually other stuff parents have going on. But if you, like me, have very tiny tots, the tiny tots take up about 90% of your time, energy, and attention. Other stuff, like work, paying bills, eating, sleeping, having a life, is squeezed together in the other 10%. Sleep appropriates half of that, so you're actually left with only 5% attention span for things that don't directly or indirectly involve, affect, or in same way deal with your child(ren).

I'm hopeful that as the tiny tots grow up to be larger tots, the "living your life" slice of pie on the pie chart grows to--dare I dream it?--maybe 15 or even 17.5%! More experienced parents, feel free to chime in and confirm this for me.

So, my best good friends without kids, I want to apologize. I post primarily about my children and, now having been in the trenches, I realize that's not going to change any time too soon. Furthermore, I am just too tired to care more than a little. If this were on a scale of "I am fully committed to change" and "I couldn't give a rat's [rear end]," I probably could manage to give at least 1 rat's [rear end] (much to the discomfort of the rat). In other words, I care just enough to apologize, but not enough to use my precious energy trying to change. Not now anyway. Check back in a few years.

Oh, but I do solemnly swear to never share about my child pooping in a potty on social media. Pinky swear. (Blowouts are fair game, though. Sorry. The distinction is admittedly a bit murky and arbitrary.)

My babies! My babies! My babies!, to you and yours,


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