Mommy Test #2: Preemptive fail?

Am I already a bad mom?

I mean, we know I am since I failed my very first ever test as a mom: the glucose tolerance test. But I'm talking about the fact that I think my child will, when it's old enough, have to be deprived of the Great Smiling Stalker of the North, Elf of the Shelf.



image from amazon.com.

Look at him there, sitting on some invisible shelf. He's trying to be all, "Hey guys, I'm just shyly looking off to to the side! 'Cause I'm so shy! Tee-hee!" And you're probably thinking, "Aw, hey there little buddy. What's your name? You look so sweet..."

WRONG WRONG WRONG

 

Do you understand what this little guy does? Who he is? Or rather, who he claims to be?

 

The basic story, as told to the unthinking sheep of society, is this: A family adopts a little elf and gives him or her a name. When they do, it gets magic that lets him or her fly to the North Pole from your house every night to let Santa know if you were naughty or nice. Then it comes back before you wake each morning. It sits in a new spot in the house, and the kids have fun seeing what shenanigans their little elf did got into when it got back home.

 

Aw, so nice, right? NO. YOU'RE WRONG. (see: above "WRONG WRONG WRONG") Allow me to illuminate the situation for you.

 

First, he is a spy--a SPY!--for Santa. Or so he claims.*

Um, hello, Santa doesn't need spies. Santa knows man. He just knows. So what is this little guy actually up to when he's sneaking around and watching me all day? I don't know, but it's not Santa's work.

 

Secondly, he flies to the North Pole and back every night. Or so he claims.*
Everyone knows that only Santa's reindeer have that ability. Not even the big guy himself flies. That's why he rides all chillax in the sleigh with his hot cocoa and C.D. (Cookie Dispenser) that Bernard and Charlie installed while the reindeer are getting some epic cardio while being magical and flying and pitter-pattering on rooftops. And Buddy had to walk to NYC from the North Pole. That's VERY well documented. So I seriously doubt that Mr. or Ms. Shelf-Elf is popping up to the North Pole every night.

Third, he pops back into your house before you wake, where you find him in new and hilarious situations and poses. Or so he claims.*
I've already established that this little creepy stalker isn't able to go to the North Pole. So what's he really doing all night? Inviting the neighborhood raccoons inside for a garbage party? Sneaking out to hang out in the Big Lots parking lot and listen to loud music and drink beer with his buddies? I do NOT believe he spent all night taking a marshmallow bubble bath.

I think I've outlined three excellent reasons to keep this creepy little squatter out of my house. But there's one, even bigger reason I think I'm keeping Stalker the Elf out of my house.



I'm smiling 'cause I love to party in parking lots

Word on the street is that somehow, this little elf's activities are a lot of work for the parents of the kids he's totally creepily spying on. And frankly, I don't think I want to do a lot of work coming up with clever ideas for what Mr. Elf was allegedly doing last night to cover for the fact that he was actually on the street corner with a 40 in a paper sack and burning through a pack of Parliament Lights. That puts me and Elf in a dysfunctional, codependent relationship in which I'm the enabler. No thanks.

And you, person reading this. Maybe you have an Elf. And it sits on a Shelf. Or hangs out on the tree. Or does neat stuff that makes your kid giggle. Sure, maybe you got a good egg, and you're saying, "Rebecca, you're so Boring and not Fun at all. Kids love this! He makes them so happy!" All I'm saying is, if you're comfortable letting a potential rabblerouser into your house to sneak into your liquor and eat all your miniature candy canes, that's your choice. (Translation: I'm judging you for your terrible choice.)

So to answer my own question, am I a bad mom? Obviously not. I'm the smartest one ever. (And a slightly lazy one, too.) And I've concluded this before even having the kid. Preemptive fail on Mommy Test #2? No. Preemptive win.

Go team Rebecca Is So Smart and Has Nice Hair Sometimes!!!

xo

P.S. Did you notice that I managed two references to two awesome Christmas movies in one short paragraph? Do you know what they are? Put your guesses/answers in the comments. Yes, I'm still looking for ways to get you to comment, DADGUMIT.

P.P.S. I really wish I had Comic Sans font. The conspiracy theorist in me knows that it would have been the best font to use for this post. All the good conspiracy theorists use it because people take it the most seriously, especially when you use lots of font sizes and various colors. It's a fact. Look it up.


* I squint my eyes very conspiratorially and drop my voice an octave when I say this to let you know that I'm about to drop some seriously damning information about these so-called elves.